A Week In Fantasy Football At My Workplace (Part I)

NOTE: Apparently, there’s a character limit for Youcastr articles, and I managed to exceed it. So, this entry is divided into two parts. With that out of the way…here we go…

Apparently, it’s Tuesday, and if I want to keep my streak alive I need to write something today. My brain is scattered like Legos after your little cousins visit your house, so the only thing I can think to talk about is the extraordinary experience that has been my workplace’s fantasy football league since last Monday night. Pardon the self-centeredness, but I have to admit it was a funny, strange week, so you might actually get some enjoyment out of it.

So here it is…a week in the Smithfield Cinemas Fantasy Football League…

Monday, October 6: The Saints and Vikings are locked in a Monday Night Showdown. For me, this is of little consequence. All the players from both teams in my matchup with an assistant manager have already played. Since he never changed his team’s name to remove his last name, I shall protect his identity and name his team “Dunkin’ Donuts” here. Why Dunkin’ Donuts? Because with my win already in the bag, he falls to 0-5. I’m moving up to 4-1.

My boss (team name CANES AND SKINS UNITED, a display of his loyalty to the Miami Hurricanes and Washington Redskins), on the other hand, is on edge. With a loss this week, he’ll fall to 2-3, and his three Saints (Drew Brees, Lance Moore, and Jonathan Vilma, are not doing enough to give him the lead in his matchup (a team we’ll call “Nobody’s Home” because not one transaction has been made by this team all year). At the moment, Nobody’s Home is up by five points…and bossman is reminding me via the technological wonder that is the cell phone who he should have played, how much this loss is hurting him, and how much he wishes the Saints would make a freakin’ defensive stand so Brees could get the ball back.

Suddenly, all is turned upside down. I look on the league homepage (hosted by ESPN, for your information) and notice two of the matchups for this week have changed. All is revealed in an automated message…

“Changed number of weeks in regular season from 13 to 14. Changed number of playoff teams from 4 to 8. Changed number of weeks per playoff matchup from 2 to 1.”

The commissioner (The Comebacks) has edited the playoffs to include all eight teams in the league, which resulted in a change in the regular season schedule, which resulted in the current conundrum.

The Comebacks were losing 110-88 to Peacock Thunder, ready to fall to 1-4. Coincidence?

Tuesday, October 7: I am up bright and early, as I always am on weekdays that don’t start with the letter “W,” for an 8 AM Latin class. Before I set off for the wonderful world of dead languages, I leave a not-so-subtle message on the league messageboard, “thanking” The Comebacks for his wise decision to include everyone in the postseason and ruling the entire first fourteen weeks a waste of time. The day is spent in a massive recovery mission, trying to remember who played who throughout the season to repair the officially screwed-up schedule. Dunkin’ Donuts managed to pick up two wins by the shuffling of schedules, and that’s reason enough to find a solution. After ample discussion, the schedules are renewed, Dunkin’ Donuts returns to his rightful place in 0-fer land, and the playoff field is brought back down to four.

It’s also the first day to prepare claims for the waiver wire. Claims are processed on Thursdays, starting with the worst team and progressing to the best team. As such, I am dead last in the rotation with my 4-1 record. I am tied at the top with Peacock Thunder, but I have scored more points than him throughout the year. On AIM, my boss asks if I will be going after La’Ron McClain. I had the Ravens running back at one point this season, but released him for what appeared to be a “hot” Jonathan Stewart. Stewart had a five point game this week (on my bench, fortunately) as DeAngelo Williams stole the show in a romp of the Chiefs, while McClain had a 12 point outing to no one’s benefit. I mention some interest in McClain, but I highly doubt he’ll fall to me. I decide that if I can’t get to McClain, Tim Hightower will certainly be within reach, so I also place a claim on him. I also add Antoine Winfield to use as my one defensive player. I find this roster slot painfully wasteful. Only eight defensive players out of the whole league scoring points in a given week. There’s plenty of talent to go around, needless to say.

Wednesday, October 8: This was a relatively quiet day. Two minor transactions take place, as Peacock Thunder drops Jerious Norwood and THE REAL 74 gives Rudi Johnson similar treatment.

Small talk centers around my matchup this week. My 4-1 team, second in league scoring, will face Team Commodores, a 3-2 team that has scored more points than anyone else in the league. Aaron Rodgers, Michael Turner, Jason Witten, Patrick Willis, and Matt Prater are the highest scoring players at their respective positions. I have Rodgers, Witten, and Prater. He has Turner and Willis. That’s not including names like T.O., Brandon Marshall, L.T., and Marion the Barbarian. The consensus: we don’t know who will win, but somebody could score 120 points and lose.

The Commissioner/Comebacks and myself also promise that if bossman’s CANES AND SKINS UNITED manage to lose to Dunkin’ Donuts this week, we’re bringing a dunce cap to the theater for him to wear.

Thursday, October 9: Waiver day. As expected, I lose my claim on Le’Ron McClain. Not as expected, The Comebacks, with a front seat to the player of his choice, did not take him. Instead, he adds Ryan Grant, the abysmal suck-fest that I drafted as a silent assassin and released as soon as he was removed from ESPN’s Can’t Cut List. He sees faith in a decent outing against the not-so-decent Falcons’ run defense, so he’s sold. Instead, McClain falls to none other than The Commodores. I will have to face a player I dropped and was trying to re-add. I am able to add Hightower and Winfield. The day is far from over, though.

Admittedly, when making claims, I did not even look at quarterbacks. For good reason. I drafted Tony Romo in the third round of the draft, and had acquired Rodgers from CANES AND SKINS UNITED by trading Jason Campbell. Really, CANES AND SKINS UNITED accepted Campbell for Rodgers. I highly doubt the team name had any role in that.

However, I look through high-scoring players in the league up to this point in the season and notice something rather startling.

Kurt Warner is a free agent.

He doesn’t stay that way long. I really want to acquire a more consistent presence at receiver and running back, but nothing of that sort is available in the free agent pool or waiver wire. So, I sign Warner, with all intentions of trading one of my three quarterbacks (all in the top six in scoring) to find what I’m looking for. It may not be an even deal, but I can afford to lose something at quarterback if it will help me at the other two spots.

The first stop, naturally, is The Comebacks. A 1-4 team starting Gus Frerotte at QB? How can I not get a decent player on the cheap here? My first offer is painfully bare-bones and, in my opinion, a steal for The Comebacks: Kurt Warner for Jerricho Cotchery.

For whatever reason, The Comebacks has a certain aversion towards veteran quarterbacks. He proposes a counter-offer: Cotchery and Ryan Grant for Tony Romo. While I’m willing to listen to talks of moving Romo (remember, three of the top six quarterbacks) I am quick to remind him that I just finished getting rid of the sorry son of a gun that was going to be the silent assassin in my run game, and don’t have any interest in taking him back. Before going to bed, I offer Romo for Cotchery and Steve Slaton…

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