TheSportsCom

On Sunday, the normally incredibly intense action of driving around in circles was somehow derailed by bad tires. Goodyear, a company so cheap it created it’s own fleet of flying derigibles to avoid paying ticket prices to watch sporting events, couldn’t make tires that could withstand more than 10 laps at a time on Indianapolis Raceway. Caution after caution were called for teams to replace tires, resulting in an extremely long and boring race for fans. “I came here to see people driving around in a circle really fast!&... read more...

The Seattle Mariners have agreed to terms on a 5-year deal with Jim Kelly, a Seattle-area man they found leaving Home Depot with a 21-piece tool set over the weekend. Despite being 52 and having no experience playing baseball, the Mariners are confident they can turn around their MLB worst start with Kelly leading their team. “Well, I saw him leaving the store with just so many tools,” said GM Lee Pelekoudas. “I’ve snuck up behind other GMs at the annual owners meeting several times, to try to hear what kinds of thing... read more...

Multiple Felon Manuel Vargas was found not guilty on Wednesday by a California judge. Vargas, who has served prison time twice in the past for both attempted murder and selling narcotics, was extremely happy with the news. His lawyer cited rarely utilized defense in Federal court known as the “Manny Being Manny Defense” to refute the current rape allegations leveraged against him by the District Attorney. “Look, these kinds of things are just what Manny does,” said the lawyer in a courtroom transcript. “He ge... read more...

Jake Delhomme was set to meet with the team witch doctor today, only to find out he had been fired and replaced by an actual doctor. The Panthers were curiously the only team to employ a witch doctor, named Daddy Shango, as their primary physician since their inception in 1995. “Well, basically he was just a cheaper alternative,” said team owner Jerry Richardson. “We could pay millions to one of these doctors with a paper degree from some university, or we could pay only 8 sacks of grain to Daddy Shango. It seemed like a ba... read more...

A terrible three car accident occurred today on a stretch of highway East of Tampa Bay. But Rays closer Troy Percival happened to be passing by in the opposite direction when the wreck happened, and stopped his car to see if he could go in for the save. He found 2 cars overturned with people trapped inside. He attempted to get to a woman in one of the cars that was upside down, but the door was jammed shut. He was headed back to his vehicle to try and find a bat to pry it open with, but as he did so he threw his lit cigarette on the ground t... read more...